I had just entered the mission field and was a new missionary serving in Houston, Texas. Up to that point I had been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my whole life and felt the desire to share the truths of the gospel with others. As I started teaching the people in my new area, thoughts began to enter my mind like "When you say you know this is true, do you really?" and "Are these things actually from God?" and "When you pray, does God really hear you?" and "Are the feelings of the Holy Ghost real or made up?" I began to be filled with fear and doubt. For weeks I allowed these doubts (that most certainly came from the devil) to fill my soul with anxiety and the light of my faith began to dwindle. It was incredible how fast and impactive these doubts began to hurt and debilitate my testimony is the gospel and in God.
It reached the point that I began to even wonder if God was real. That is when I realized how damaged my testimony had become. I realized that I had a choice to make. All of these questions that pained my soul weren't questions, but rather doubts (the opposite of faith). The more I fed my soul with doubt, the less I nourished my faith. I could either allow my doubts to wrap around my testimony and suffocate the life out of it like a snake or I could choose to have faith,
despite my not being able to see and understand everything.
I remember that day. I chose to have faith despite the fact that I couldn't feel the spirit (because my doubts had driven it away). I chose to believe even though certain things didn't make sense. For several days I simply repeated in my mind the phrase "God is my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is my Savior" over and over until I began to believe it again. I did my best to let go of my fears and just trust God. I began to feel the spirit again here and there. When I testified of the truths I believed in, I could again share my faith in that principle. I began to rebuild.
This experience was 5 years ago. I can honestly say that I have been building my faith up ever since. I have built it from a damaged and crushed building, to a great mansion of faith in God, Christ, and this gospel. I have strengthened that faith by living the standards of the church, praying/studying the scriptures every day, and choosing to believe despite any doubts that attempt to tear down what I have worked so hard to build.
Satan will frequently attempt to destroy your faith by sending doubts. I have learned in my life that I can harden myself against the gospel and allow those doubts to attack my faith or I can soften my heart and defend my faith. There will always be moments in our lives when we are spiritually weak and are struggling with our faith. Elder Jeffery R Holland has said that “In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited.” We will never have all of the answers in this life, but God gives us enough answers to navigate our storms if we will but turn to Him for strength.
It is my prayer that wherever you are in the construction of your testimony that you may choose to keep building it. Choose to protect it against storms that will threaten to destroy it. Choose to treasure it and the peace, hope, and comfort it provides for your soul. I have to make the decision every day to have faith! I promise that in "Choosing Faith," you will have more peace and joy in your heart, despite any trials that come your way.
Challenge: Honestly assess where your faith is in God and the gospel. Consider some things you can begin to do more consistently to strengthen your testimony.
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